Not much to say about the job search except it BLOWS.
No company is safe from the deluge of resumes flooding from my inbox: hello, graduation. But how can I stand out to an HR department…?
Well, insanity, of course.
Here is my next cover letter:
Dear Sir or Madam,
I recently saw the posting for an internship with [company name] on the [insert the last website found after googling “internships,” “internships NOT in Kansas,” “marketing and PR internships anywhere but Kansas,” and “MOTHER OF PEARL IF YOU DO NOT PROVIDE ME A SITE WITH RELEVANT INFORMATION I’M GOING TO EXPLODE LITTLE BITS OF BRAIN ALL OVER THE SCREEN+event planning internships”] website. In response to this advertisement, I would like to express my sincere interest in the position and outline a few of my qualifications that make me an ideal fit for your company.
Of course, there is the possibility you have already stopped reading. Very likely, there is someone more qualified out there. Someone with more experience. Maybe there is someone from within your company and you’ve got a policy to always hire from within. Maybe the Executive Vice President’s second cousin is looking for a job and you owe him a favor because he never told anyone about the time he found you drunk and naked in the copy room. Maybe some busty blonde slipped naked pictures of herself into her resume. There are plenty of reasons you probably won’t hire me. (*)
And yet before you make such a rash decision, I encourage you to consider me for the position. I am driven, dedicated, and willing to go above and beyond any other intern applying to your company. I can make copies like no one’s business. Coffee? I already memorized your Starbuck’s order. Lying to your wife? Even better, I already sent flowers. Need to cover up that little embezzlement scandal? I think it was the quiet guy in accounting. I can work early, late and on weekends – consider me your 24/7 go-to girl.
My work experience has been vast and varied. In the past six years I have worked for an impressive twelve different companies, proving that I am extremely well-rounded and able to be successful in many positions. I have practice in sales, management, technological organization, customer service, food service, education, advising, and entertainment.
In addition to work experience, I have been incredibly successful in my educational career. I have been recognized by faculty and administration by being selected for academic honor roll every semester since kindergarten. My ability to memorize facts and put them to use has been demonstrated per my membership in both academic team and bible quiz bowl team, even being recognized at the county level in 2001 and 2002.
I have impeccable organizational skills proved by my near-psychotic obsessive compulsive behaviors. You can rest assured that any task given to me will be listed, prioritized, proofed, and completed accurately and efficiently. I also work well with others, using my communication skills to berate others into submission when they are not as focused as I wish them to be.
Other things I feel vital to highlight include:
- my evil-genius IQ
- holder of the best peanut butter cookie recipe ever
- ability to hold a headstand indefinitely
- a particularly perky “phone voice”
- owner of a tranq gun to put others at ease when necessary
- long-time recycler
- mixologist and
- sic-nasty dance skillz.
I have attached my resume and would enjoy an opportunity to talk with you to see if my skill set could be a benefit to [insert company name here].
Thank you so much for your time!
(*) I lifted this part from another awesome cover letter – excuse, it was too priceless to pass up.
Totally going to score this one.